November 2008
2 posts
“I need to be a celebrity ho. Start hanging around them take their used condoms...”
– Google Chat with unnamed future Celebrity Baby Mama
“A) You’re gross & nasty
B) You took my tampon out with your teeth.
I...”
– One of us said this. Not telling who.
September 2008
2 posts
Don't screw the litter
It’s like Don’t Name the Puppy, but it applies to groups.
decrypting messages from men
meaghano:
whateverlolawants:
works is crazy this week, let’s touch base next week: means I’m not interested, no one puts their work before sex.
me 2 - response given when texted: I had a great time last night: means we’re not having sex again.
did you want to meet up for a quick drink after work?: means will you blow me in the restroom at Ulysses and then I’m gonna meet my buddies for beer...
August 2008
3 posts
best game ever
Me: If you were a kitchen appliance, what would you be?
Him: A Kitchen Aid Mixer because I get to put my naughty bits in sweet things :) You?
Me: A fondue pot. Everyone wants to take a dip.
Him: Mmm, saucy.
Me: Mixers are advertised as having "7 turbo speeds and comfortable handle design." So true.
Yep, we've been drinking
Laura: ...and i wanted to be like um if you followed my direction your job wouldn't be hard
Khaliah: hmm...he's lazy...vibrators make everything so nice
Laura: yeah, i know!
i thought dudes were supposed to be open to vibrators
you know, eventually
me: Unless they're french....But its true vibrators come much later...unless he's french
. . . unless you never want to see him again.
Khaliah: I just texted [redacted] to see if I was driving. He said "I'm buying dinner either way."
Laura: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE LOVES YOU! Don't sleep with him.
July 2008
2 posts
Two Girls Escaping Reality
Khaliah: Why doesn't [redacted] get his act together? It would be perfect if he just got it together.
Angel: I'm in love with a boxer.
that's what she said
K: (to [redacted]) You're the only man I want to fuck.
[Redacted]: That's not true.
K: La, who's the only man I want to fuck?
La: [Redacted].
June 2008
1 post
Entrapment Baby*
Def,: A baby created with the intention of tying down a wayward boyfriend/lover. Said baby can be achieved by neglecting to take your birth control and then encouraging you significant of to forget about condoms or poking holes in condom or a combination of those two methods to ensure conception occurs. * Once entrapment baby is born it will be hard to give it away also it might have the opposite...
May 2008
2 posts
Rib-eye
Def.: A piece of meat that disappoints you. People say the fat tastes good but really it’s just a bunch of fancy gristle.
Example:
Khaliah: How did it go with that Irish bartender last night?
Laura: Cute accent, but a total rib-eye. That one will not be a repeat order.
So my plan is that this week I will drink and do whatever drugs I want. Because if he’s here this weekend I need to be sober. Because I WILL ask or my miniature. And that would be bad.
April 2008
7 posts
“Where’s my miniature pony?”
– Response to any male who owes you, and we all know the pony would never cut it, but it would sure help to have a pretty pony around to look at, or to ride when you post defamatory posters of him around the neighborhood. Example: Dude: Sorry I forgot your birthday. You: Where’s my miniature...
The Mason DICKson Line (a how-to)
Laura and Khaliah have a tendency to want to make out with the same boys. It doesn’t happen often so it is never the problem it seems like it would be. Mostly because if its important enough Khaliah will tell Laura she loves her and send her home if necessary and vice versa. In order to avoid things like this happening, a dividing line has been created: The Mason DICKson Line. Laura can...
Can you use that in a sentence?
Khaliah: I don't want to break up with my crackhead boyfriend.
Laura: Khaliah, put your panties on and end it. He's toxic and you know it.
“Show me your visa.”
– How Khaliah lets a man know she’s interested in him.
Cat and Mouse
Def: The Art of fucking with a man who has fucked with you Once upon a time there was a boy that Laura liked and then there was that boy’s best friend that Khaliah liked. We’ll call them DL and DK. DL and DK had all the appearances of nice, sweet boys who were living the New York City party life and Laura and Khaliah fell hard and quick. DK turned out to be so full of shit it...
Put your panties on!
Def: To get one’s act together.
See also: “20 cc’s of suck it up”
One Sunday morning, Laura was hungover. [Ed. note: Try every Sunday morning.} She really didn’t think she was going to make it to brunch with Khaliah. Every ten minutes Khaliah would call Laura to track her progress. All Laura would say was, “Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.”
About twenty minutes...
Welcome to our world...
Which is also probably your world too if you have ever dated, slept with or admired a man up close or from afar. This is a field guide, a dictionary and occasionally a how-to.