Put Your Panties On! And Other Pearls of Wisdom

best game ever

  • Me: If you were a kitchen appliance, what would you be?
  • Him: A Kitchen Aid Mixer because I get to put my naughty bits in sweet things :) You?
  • Me: A fondue pot. Everyone wants to take a dip.
  • Him: Mmm, saucy.
  • Me: Mixers are advertised as having "7 turbo speeds and comfortable handle design." So true.
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Yep, we've been drinking

  • Laura: ...and i wanted to be like um if you followed my direction your job wouldn't be hard
  • Khaliah: hmm...he's lazy...vibrators make everything so nice
  • Laura: yeah, i know!
  • i thought dudes were supposed to be open to vibrators
  • you know, eventually
  • me: Unless they're french....But its true vibrators come much later...unless he's french
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. . . unless you never want to see him again.

  • Khaliah: I just texted [redacted] to see if I was driving. He said "I'm buying dinner either way."
  • Laura: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE LOVES YOU! Don't sleep with him.
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Two Girls Escaping Reality

  • Khaliah: Why doesn't [redacted] get his act together? It would be perfect if he just got it together.
  • Angel: I'm in love with a boxer.
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that's what she said

  • K: (to [redacted]) You're the only man I want to fuck.
  • [Redacted]: That's not true.
  • K: La, who's the only man I want to fuck?
  • La: [Redacted].
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Entrapment Baby*

Def,:

A baby created with the intention of tying down a wayward boyfriend/lover. Said baby can be achieved by neglecting to take your birth control and then encouraging you significant of to forget about condoms or poking holes in condom or a combination of those two methods to ensure conception occurs.

* Once entrapment baby is born it will be hard to give it away also it might have the opposite effect on your boyfriend/significant other. Use caution when applying this method.

Example: A’s boyfriend was going to leave the country so she decided to stop taking her birth control and get herself an entrapment baby. “An entrapment baby would definitely keep him close to home,” she thought as she flushed her pills down the toilet.

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Rib-eye

Def.: A piece of meat that disappoints you. People say the fat tastes good but really it’s just a bunch of fancy gristle.


Example:
Khaliah: How did it go with that Irish bartender last night?
Laura: Cute accent, but a total rib-eye. That one will not be a repeat order.

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So my plan is that this week I will drink and do whatever drugs I want. Because if he’s here this weekend I need to be sober. Because I WILL ask or my miniature. And that would be bad.
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Where’s my miniature pony?

Response to any male who owes you, and we all know the pony would never cut it, but it would sure help to have a pretty pony around to look at, or to ride when you post defamatory posters of him around the neighborhood.

Example:

Dude: Sorry I forgot your birthday.
You: Where’s my miniature pony?

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The Mason DICKson Line (a how-to)

Laura and Khaliah have a tendency to want to make out with the same boys. It doesn’t happen often so it is never the problem it seems like it would be. Mostly because if its important enough Khaliah will tell Laura she loves her and send her home if necessary and vice versa. In order to avoid things like this happening, a dividing line has been created: The Mason DICKson Line. Laura can have the Americans and Khaliah gets the foreigners (usually North Africa). This division is established with a simple passort check. Though there are a few stipulations. If you were born in another country and currently hold an American passport you fall on the Khaliah side of the line. Also Khaliah relinquishes all rights to the Irish, British and Australian. She will however retain rights to the Dutch. Khaliah loves the Dutch. Second Generation Americans generally go to Laura. But Khaliah has domain over all of Iowa City.

If you and your friends find yourselves in a similar situation, the answer is simple. Just take a look at your romantic interests and divide them accordingly. Chances are when you look at each conquest you’ll find that perhaps you like men who are tall and your friend likes men who are short. See, it’s easy. Now if things should be more complicated, remember this: your girlfriends are probably going to be around long after that dude in bed next to you.

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